Aah facebook, a glorious evil unfortunately. Slowly over the past few months I have found myself getting annoyed while reading posts. It's not one person specifically, there are a handful of people on my own news feeds, and I'm sure there are several million more in the world who do the same so this isn't so much to target any 1 individual as it is the action itself.
Has anyone else found it less than appealing to listen to a parent trash talk the other parent or "air the dirty laundry" of their failed relationship in respect to their child? Putting aside the unfortunate circumstances that sometimes bring a child into this world, in most cases kids are conceived (or adopted I suppose) due to 1 of a few scenarios.
The first, and honestly the most ideal, is that a loving committed couple decides they want to expand their family. In this scenario, a parent shouldn't really get mad (publicly) at their current or ex significant other regarding their parenting skills, or lack there of. You consciously decided that they were the person you wanted to start your family with. At one point in time they were exactly what you wanted. Yes, situations change, however you didn't go into it expecting them to be a bad parent. So it may be irritating that they're being less than ideal as a parent in your eyes, however trashing them out of your own hurt does nothing for your child. If your goal is to get them to interact with their child, send child support, be available, ect... then publicly slamming them, especially without ever pointing out the good they do, won't accomplish your goal. They may already feel defeated since you have such a negative opinion of them that it's not even worth their time or effort to try and change your mind. If your goal is not to get them to be there for their child, then by all means keep on insulting them internet wide and letting the hurt and frustration you feel towards your failed relationship interfere with your child's ability to have a loving and healthy relationship (either currently or when they're old enough to appreciate it) with the other parent.
The second, less than ideal but certainly not terrible, scenario is that a loving and committed couple find themselves pregnant without planning it. While it's not planned, it's very similar to the first situation. This person was someone who you were happy to be with, made a conscious decision to stay with, and thought was a good partner. You may not have been planning for children, but child or no child, your outlook towards your partner was a good one.
And the third is the accidental conception that lumps together one night stands, getting pregnant to keep the guy, or the couple that get pregnant before they ever get the chance to become the "loving and committed" couple of their own choice. This is the situation that kills me the most to listen to parents complain about the child's other parent. If it was a one night stand that got you pregnant...you honestly have nobody to blame but yourself. Yes, it takes 2, yes you couldn't have gotten pregnant without him, but in all honesty had you opted to keep your legs shut you couldn't have even gotten pregnant with him. By one night stand we're talking the fling with the guy you met at the bar and don't know from Adam. Not the friend you've known for years and decided to have sex with. While birth control isn't 100% effective, if you were taking it responsibly, and insisted on use of a condom the chances that you would be pregnant right now are slim to none.
For those who try to get pregnant to keep the guy? All I have to say is shame on you. If you were worried that he was already going to leave you, why would you want him around? He obviously finds some quality in you, or your relationship, that turns him off to a long term relationship. Why would you want to be with someone, to trap someone, who doesn't want to be with you??? Forget having enough respect for yourself to not try and tie yourself to someone who doesn't want to be with you... Where is your respect for the child you're trying to conceive? Don't act all concerned for the emotional health of your child because they have a "bad father" when you weren't being such a great mother intentionally bringing them into this world to more or less use as a pawn in your relationship. You are just as much to blame as the father is for the situation your child is in. They are in this situation because you put them there, so before you go pointing out all the flaws in the man who didn't want anything to do with you anymore anyway before you tried to trap him...think about how selfish you were being to try to have a child so they could be your pawn! If you intentionally got pregnant to keep him, then you deserve whatever hell you're going through. Your child may not deserve to have a bad father, but you more or less inflicted this on yourself and your child to begin with.
Now, I admit...a good man or woman would not allow the downfall of their relationship to get in the way of them being a good parent. However, some people are petty enough to let it get in the way. What's more sad yet, is some people do nothing to help the situation...like those who publicly make note of all the bad things their "ex" is doing wrong. If what you're saying isn't going to help the situation, your desire to get him to be around your child, or your child themselves, then keep your mouth shut! Your significant, or ex significant, other should not be your priority...your child should be your priority. If he forgot to send the child support, or she missed her weekend with her son/daughter yes...it sucks. But if they're truly that bad of a parent, take them to court, get a court order or fight for custody, and be done with it. If they never see their son/daughter to begin with, and don't make an effort to try...your child is almost better off without that parent in their life, without sounding too crude. It's better for a child to know the unconditional, healthy love of 1 parent than to have 2 parents they watch fight, talk badly about one another to them, and get continuously let down by. It's not easy to watch your child suffer, it's not easy to be a single parent, and it's not easy to do it alone. But, when you decided to get pregnant, or to keep your child it no longer was about what was easy for you but rather what was best for your kid. Take all the effort you put into trashing the child's mother or father into loving and raising your child, they'll be better off for it.
So, that being said... Stop ranting and raving to the entire world (because let's face it, how private is facebook really?) about how he didn't send child support, or didn't see his/her kid this weekend, or told you that they wanted to be there but couldn't because of whatever reason. I'm not saying you can't vent, but do it privately, get it out of your system, and then be done with it. Don't continue to complain about how terrible of a parent they are if you're not going to do something about it either by going to court or to just stop caring (so to speak). Grow up and start thinking about what's best for your child and stop thinking of your own hurt ego or pride.
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